November 10, 2010

Never thought we'd have our last kiss.

Readers, I have been M.I.A. and I hate it. Seriously. But I've been struggling on typing this specific post and what to say and how to say it because even after two weeks, the conversation is so fresh in my mind. On October 27, exactly two years after Casey broke up with me, Trey did the same.

I still can barely process it. After over a year and a half, we are not together. I thought it would be temporary, that in a few days our "break" would be off and he'd be back to kissing me and saying he loves me. It's been two weeks and I can honestly say I'm no stronger than I was that night. Crying is common place for me these days. I never believed it would ever happen to me, to us. We never had the perfect relationship. I don't really think anyone can say they do, but we had love. I never thought I'd be single again. I really just hate the word single honestly because to me it means alone. My heart feels like it's been torn, like it is no longer whole. I think about him all day, wondering where he is, what he's doing, and if he's missing me too.  It doesn't help that I refuse to believe he's gone by keeping all of our pictures up at my desk at work and all the memories of him in their places in my room. I won't go a day without the ring on my pointer finger on my left hand, where it's been for over a year.

I want someone to understand besides Taylor Swift, but I have yet to find someone who does. I've neglected to tell a lot of people. I don't want to hear the sympathy and definitely not the, "I told you so's." I always believed we would make it and I still do, but I may be the only one and it makes me ache for him even more. I promise I don't need sympathy. I typed this for me because I've been at a loss for words. I've been surrounding myself with some of the most wonderful people who may not fully understand, but they're just here and that means the world to me. I want to feel better, I want to wake up tomorrow to a good morning text from you, not anyone else, I want to go to sleep to an I love you and I'm sorry. I want a future together. I want your heart again and I want to be your everything like I believed I was.

I'm not perfect. I think that is quite clear, but I think I am perfect for you, like we just meshed and fit together like a puzzle. You're my very best friend. You and I were there for each other when we had nobody else who understood and got what we were going through. We had a lot of rough times together, but I think the amazing times far outweighed the bad. I think I cry more thinking of the good times with you because I thought they were enough. I thought I was enough.

"I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day and something reminds you, you wish you had stayed. You can plan for a change in the weather and time, but I never planned on you changing your mind." - Last Kiss: Taylor Swift



  1. Darling I'm so sorry to hear that things didn't work out. My advice to you is this--grow. Being single can be an amazing blessing and you will find out more about yourself than you ever thought possible if you embrace it. You are strong and independent and if things in life are meant to be, they come together. Feel free to shoot me an email if you want to talk or vent. I know it's nice to talk to someone who has absolutely no idea what's going on and, thus, has no bias. You are wonderful and you will come out of this to something amazing.


  2. I'm so sorry to hear this. It'll get better in time, no matter how hard it may seem right now. And hey, having Taylor Swift understand is better than no one at all, right? ;)

  3. i know we don't talk much anymore, but i just want to let you know that it may not be easy right now, but soon enough, it'll get easier. you'll stop thinking about him so much, you'll focus on other things. and trust me when i say, i know a lot more about you're relationship than anyone else, and i honestly think you can both find someone better. and the day you do find someone better, you'll realize that you needed your relationship with trey to happen and that you also needed your relationship with trey to end. i completely agree with malori, take this opportunity to grow. try your hardest to look at the positives and grow from your relationship so that the next relationship will even better. you know that everything with trey was far from perfect, but i think you're giving perfection a bad name. you'll find someone who is perfect from you. just know that people change and that a relationship might start out with two people are perfect for each other and end because that's no longer true. if you need help, i seriously recommend talking to my mom. she's been in this situation sooo many times and just broke up with scott yesterday because, at age 47, she's finally realized that it's okay to be single.

    i love you and i miss you, and i really hope that you're doing well :) we haven't talked in a while, so i wanted to share my opinions <3