I still can barely process it. After over a year and a half, we are not together. I thought it would be temporary, that in a few days our "break" would be off and he'd be back to kissing me and saying he loves me. It's been two weeks and I can honestly say I'm no stronger than I was that night. Crying is common place for me these days. I never believed it would ever happen to me, to us. We never had the perfect relationship. I don't really think anyone can say they do, but we had love. I never thought I'd be single again. I really just hate the word single honestly because to me it means alone. My heart feels like it's been torn, like it is no longer whole. I think about him all day, wondering where he is, what he's doing, and if he's missing me too. It doesn't help that I refuse to believe he's gone by keeping all of our pictures up at my desk at work and all the memories of him in their places in my room. I won't go a day without the ring on my pointer finger on my left hand, where it's been for over a year.
I want someone to understand besides Taylor Swift, but I have yet to find someone who does. I've neglected to tell a lot of people. I don't want to hear the sympathy and definitely not the, "I told you so's." I always believed we would make it and I still do, but I may be the only one and it makes me ache for him even more. I promise I don't need sympathy. I typed this for me because I've been at a loss for words. I've been surrounding myself with some of the most wonderful people who may not fully understand, but they're just here and that means the world to me. I want to feel better, I want to wake up tomorrow to a good morning text from you, not anyone else, I want to go to sleep to an I love you and I'm sorry. I want a future together. I want your heart again and I want to be your everything like I believed I was.
I'm not perfect. I think that is quite clear, but I think I am perfect for you, like we just meshed and fit together like a puzzle. You're my very best friend. You and I were there for each other when we had nobody else who understood and got what we were going through. We had a lot of rough times together, but I think the amazing times far outweighed the bad. I think I cry more thinking of the good times with you because I thought they were enough. I thought I was enough.
"I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day and something reminds you, you wish you had stayed. You can plan for a change in the weather and time, but I never planned on you changing your mind." - Last Kiss: Taylor Swift