April 20, 2011
This post has been mentally in the making for weeks, maybe even months. I know my blog is definitely not a super personal place for me anymore, but sometimes, like now I need to vent. I've allowed my life to revolve around one singular event, one night, a few words I never wanted to hear, for the past six months.
I wish I didn't keep going back to that night and replaying the days and weeks prior. I've been trying to put the pieces together and see the signs. I can't and it's so hard for me. It's also made it difficult for me to move on and grow from it. I'm probably the queen of what if's. Every situation has about a million applicable what if's and this one probably has about five billion or so. I've sat around, wishing and waiting because seriously, what if he changed his mind.
I don't like messy things. I like nice, neat endings tied up in a pretty bow. This was the furthest thing from it. We left it in a weird place. He was my best friend. He knew everything about me. My flaws, my dreams, my family, my weird quirks. We talked everyday and then that became less frequent especially after he moved. It became a secret thing like nobody could know we were still close. It didn't bother me at first, but eventually it ate away at me. I analyzed every word he posted on facebook or twitter and especially when he wouldn't reply to texts. He still said I love you, but it became clear that is was solely out of habit and that hurt. I spent way too many days, afternoons, nights just crying.
I fell apart, but in the past week, I've started to put the pieces of me back together. I stopped over analyzing, I stopped checking facebook, I stopped thinking about the what if's. I can't tie up the loose ends or make it easy and simple. It never will be, so I'm leaving it at that. I'm better off. I can breathe and I will move on and I am letting go.