American Honey

Hi everyone! This post is like, wow, something I truly thought I'd never write. I don't consider myself an ultra pessimist, even though I am definitely more pessimistic than optimistic. As most or all of you know, I was in a serious relationship for about a year and a half from the end of senior year (April 2009) until October 2010. I don't feel like linking the post because honestly, it's just too much for me to even go find and then subsequently read. It was the most difficult time in my life. For the first time I felt so alone, like I had nothing. (Of course this was right after a new school year had started and I wasn't attending that semester.) I felt hopeless.

In those first few months following, I found that I must have the best family and friends in the whole wide world. They stood by me, supported me, and were there when I felt incredibly weak. Honestly, I thought Trey and I were just taking a little break, then weeks turned to months, and five miles turned into thousands, and everything slipped away. Time was supposed to heal me, but it was killing me. I was a slave to the waiting game.

Each day, I prayed prayers of wishing to find someone or be shown the reasons for why I was hurting so badly. I cried everyday, literally I can't remember many days where something didn't remind me of Trey and being alone. It was the songs on my radio, the happy couples holding hands at the mall, the pictures, everything. I tried so hard to not let on about how bad I felt inside confiding only in Courtney. But as each day passed, I found that all the guys I talked to were only looking for one thing and that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted a relationship. It just wasn't in the cards.

I dived head first into baking. Every day. All the time. Then when I started school, I put every bit of energy and me into my assignments and products. I was beginning to believe that I had no other choice. I had God, I had my family, my best friends, and baking. I would spend the rest of my 20s, married to baking and business. I didn't think I'd ever find someone to appreciate and care for me like Trey did. I was hopeless. I gave too much and would never receive anything in return. I cried to Taylor Swift songs, even the happy ones wondering if I'd ever feel that.

Yes, I've been absent on my blog. I've been emotionally absent for ten months now. I've pulled away from me, but I'm back. I'm really back. Last Sunday, one facebook message gave me a glimmer of something I used to feel. We went out Tuesday and my goodness, I wish I could put into words how I felt being with him. I never thought I'd feel that way in my whole life. Seriously. I didn't want to say goodbye for the night. I saw him the next day when he met me at the gym. Then we rode in his truck to Target and it was so naturally easy going. Our conversations were endless. He took me out last night and asked me to be his girlfriend and I didn't hesitate for a moment. It was an, "Absolutely," moment. I'm beyond ecstatic, like I could write about how happy and excited I feel for hours. But I won't.

I just wanted to fill you lovelies in on where I've been and why I've been so rough with blogging for so long. I appreciate your support and patience because I always come back. I know I'll be criticized and called dramatic, but I'm here on my blog sharing my life, so I'll always be honest about my feelings: good or bad. We're definitely official now, so no more mysteries. ;) And just because I know I'll be asked, here's the picture, what ya'll have been waiting for. hahaha xx